Well, I'm not one to get all mushy and sentimental toward... most people, unless I'm so affected by that person, or caught up in a moment, I can't help but say something. While it's been known to happen on occasion, and even in my fairly recent past, it's not something you can expect me to ever really do toward myself.
It's not that I don't love myself. Of course, I do! But when I say the words... "I love myself", I usually start singing what follows that sentence as lyrics to: "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls.
Hm.
Yeah... I'll spare you that, unless you really, truly want to hear that from me. I've certainly sung and said stranger things.
But anyway, I will say this: "That'll do, Hedy. That'll do."
And the swang sings nighty-night to the 30 Of Truth. Stay tuned 'til tomorrow for some misguided, and hopefully hilarious words from the fingers of HedyBean.
Until then: stay safe, play nice, and have a lovely day.
-H
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...
If I had to think of one thing I'd like to change about myself, it would probably be my self-image. I know everyone has something about themselves they don't like, but mine has been a source of annoyance and resentment for basically my entire life.
I have tried so many times to do something about the shape my body decided to take, and once I even really did succeed, but it came at a real cost. During that time, I was sick... pretty much constantly. I don't think there was a two week period where I wasn't battling some illness. I gained some weight back, and guess what? It stopped. I barely ever get sick now.
Most people automatically place me in the category of lazy puke, and I usually have to prove myself over and over and over again. People are usually quite surprised when they see that I can keep up with my thin friends, and am actually pretty physically active and healthy. Hard to tell by looking at me, but I guess I'm stuck with what I've got, here. Really, it doesn't matter what I do, unless I'm actively pursuing an eating disorder, or working out 4 hours a day. (I really did that when I was smaller. I worked as a waitress, and had a 4 hour period between shifts. I would go straight to the gym, which was 5 minutes from where I worked, work out 3 1/2 hours, shower, and get back to work. It was the only way I was able to keep the weight off, and even that didn't work all the time.)
Still, try telling that to an insurance company, or a... modeling agency. Or Carlos Mencia. Did I mention I HATE that guy? No. I did not eat my way to hate, you asshole. Better hope we never cross paths, because I might have to kick your teeth in, or at the very least, pound on you a little bit, because you ran your mouth to hate, piss ant.
I will say, though, that for a brief period of time in high school, I actually did model. On a runway, and everything. But I didn't seek that one out. It just sort of fell into my lap, and like I said... it was brief, and set up by a friend. But still. I did that, and actually had a good time.
There are times when I'm fine with the way I look, and then other times when I just want to restrict myself to 600 calories a day, and get on the stairmaster for 3 hours. Yeah, not healthy.
If I could strike a balance here, it would be helpful. It's just hard when the world sees people a certain way, and those categories only change with great persuasion, and on a case-by-case basis.
-H
I have tried so many times to do something about the shape my body decided to take, and once I even really did succeed, but it came at a real cost. During that time, I was sick... pretty much constantly. I don't think there was a two week period where I wasn't battling some illness. I gained some weight back, and guess what? It stopped. I barely ever get sick now.
Most people automatically place me in the category of lazy puke, and I usually have to prove myself over and over and over again. People are usually quite surprised when they see that I can keep up with my thin friends, and am actually pretty physically active and healthy. Hard to tell by looking at me, but I guess I'm stuck with what I've got, here. Really, it doesn't matter what I do, unless I'm actively pursuing an eating disorder, or working out 4 hours a day. (I really did that when I was smaller. I worked as a waitress, and had a 4 hour period between shifts. I would go straight to the gym, which was 5 minutes from where I worked, work out 3 1/2 hours, shower, and get back to work. It was the only way I was able to keep the weight off, and even that didn't work all the time.)
Still, try telling that to an insurance company, or a... modeling agency. Or Carlos Mencia. Did I mention I HATE that guy? No. I did not eat my way to hate, you asshole. Better hope we never cross paths, because I might have to kick your teeth in, or at the very least, pound on you a little bit, because you ran your mouth to hate, piss ant.
I will say, though, that for a brief period of time in high school, I actually did model. On a runway, and everything. But I didn't seek that one out. It just sort of fell into my lap, and like I said... it was brief, and set up by a friend. But still. I did that, and actually had a good time.
There are times when I'm fine with the way I look, and then other times when I just want to restrict myself to 600 calories a day, and get on the stairmaster for 3 hours. Yeah, not healthy.
If I could strike a balance here, it would be helpful. It's just hard when the world sees people a certain way, and those categories only change with great persuasion, and on a case-by-case basis.
-H
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Day 28: Pregnant
Ha ha! Made you look! Well, now that you are here, I guess you have to read about what I would do if I either got someone pregnant, or if I found myself in a family way, yet again.
Well, let's see. I suppose we will start with the first one. Hm. If I got someone pregnant, I think the first thing I would do is look down and try to figure that one out. I've never noticed anything there before, and I know there's nothing there now, but hm... I may not have seen everything under the sun just yet.
Anyway, if we were absolutely sure there was no other way this person could have gotten knocked up, I'd keep a low profile, because that's the sort of thing that would get me way more publicity than I would ever want. Once the baby was born, however, I would have a lab do DNA swabs on both, baby and I. If the probability of my paternity came back as 99.99999999%, I would then run through the streets, jumping and shouting, kicking my heels, on my way to the top of a building with a rooftop deck, and once I got there, I would shout: "Oh my soul, people! I have balls!!!! I have balls!!!! Thank God Almighty, I have balls!!!"
See, this would sort of just be no big deal, because I'm sure people would look up at me, perplexed for about 5 or so minutes, then just go on with their day without giving it a second thought. No papers involoved. Mental health facilities are overcrowded. Yeah. Works for me.
If I were to find out at this point in time that I was carrying another child, it wouldn't be so bad. I like babies. I could do it again. I don't think Mr. Hed would be particularly happy though. We have agreed... we are done, and this would mean a lot of extra work for both of us that we hadn't really thought about. But does anyone really know what the future holds? I think that's the point.
-H
Well, let's see. I suppose we will start with the first one. Hm. If I got someone pregnant, I think the first thing I would do is look down and try to figure that one out. I've never noticed anything there before, and I know there's nothing there now, but hm... I may not have seen everything under the sun just yet.
Anyway, if we were absolutely sure there was no other way this person could have gotten knocked up, I'd keep a low profile, because that's the sort of thing that would get me way more publicity than I would ever want. Once the baby was born, however, I would have a lab do DNA swabs on both, baby and I. If the probability of my paternity came back as 99.99999999%, I would then run through the streets, jumping and shouting, kicking my heels, on my way to the top of a building with a rooftop deck, and once I got there, I would shout: "Oh my soul, people! I have balls!!!! I have balls!!!! Thank God Almighty, I have balls!!!"
See, this would sort of just be no big deal, because I'm sure people would look up at me, perplexed for about 5 or so minutes, then just go on with their day without giving it a second thought. No papers involoved. Mental health facilities are overcrowded. Yeah. Works for me.
If I were to find out at this point in time that I was carrying another child, it wouldn't be so bad. I like babies. I could do it again. I don't think Mr. Hed would be particularly happy though. We have agreed... we are done, and this would mean a lot of extra work for both of us that we hadn't really thought about. But does anyone really know what the future holds? I think that's the point.
-H
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Day 27: Best
If I had to think of the best thing I have going for me right now, it would probably my sense of humour. I've been told, anyway, that I'm pretty funny most of the time. I don't know that I'd be able to do it for a living, but maybe if I took a few more improv classes, and I really, really wanted to, it would be something I'd pursue professionally.
Yeah, I don't really see it happening though. I prefer to just make people crack up at parties, and not be under that sort of pressure. Well, that and, let's face it: my ego is the size of Alaska. I'm not really proud of that fact, but yeah... there it is. Comments about certain things I do make or break my day... or sometimes... uh... year. I wouldn't say that a joke met with a flat response would turn me into a shrinking violet, but a dry week or month? I'd say that probably wouldn't be so great.
So, I'll continue to give you a wink and a smile... and if you laugh, fine. If not, that's OK too. It's not my bread and butter, and it's all serendipity, anyway.
-H
Yeah, I don't really see it happening though. I prefer to just make people crack up at parties, and not be under that sort of pressure. Well, that and, let's face it: my ego is the size of Alaska. I'm not really proud of that fact, but yeah... there it is. Comments about certain things I do make or break my day... or sometimes... uh... year. I wouldn't say that a joke met with a flat response would turn me into a shrinking violet, but a dry week or month? I'd say that probably wouldn't be so great.
So, I'll continue to give you a wink and a smile... and if you laugh, fine. If not, that's OK too. It's not my bread and butter, and it's all serendipity, anyway.
-H
Day 26. Give up?
There have been a few times in my life when I just wanted to cash it all in. I actually did come close to attempting suicide at 16, again at 20, 21, and again around 31. For many reasons I did not have the easiest childhood, and as I have said before, having to spend an unreasonable amount of time with someone who was ridiculously mentally ill took its toll on me. I was his captive audience most of the time. He viewed the world in a very defeatist way, and I learned from his actions and attitudes toward life.
And... at first? Not in a good way at all.
It has taken me years, and I mean years of reconditioning my personality and crafting the person I would have liked to have seen myself as back then for me to even consider liking myself. I had a ton of guilt by association; thinking that I was poisoned fruit from the same tree. That was a very tough thing to think about myself, and to go through. I think I'm finally over it though.
Though I'm still quite ashamed, we are not the same person, and I do have choices to follow different paths over time. I don't have to buy into the shame that I allowed myself to feel for so long, and gave so much power to. In that sense, I sometimes feel that I wasted so much time feeling that, and not trying to move past it. Other times, I feel that I needed to process it for a long time alone, even if it felt punitive.
But I think I'm finally finished. For now, anyway. I have forgiven him. Doesn't mean he's allowed to be part of my life, but I do feel a sense of peace having done that, and I no longer carry so much anger with me that it's almost too much to deal with.
I'm hoping that I will never feel like giving up on life again. That is, I suppose by design, the worst feeling in the world.
-H
And... at first? Not in a good way at all.
It has taken me years, and I mean years of reconditioning my personality and crafting the person I would have liked to have seen myself as back then for me to even consider liking myself. I had a ton of guilt by association; thinking that I was poisoned fruit from the same tree. That was a very tough thing to think about myself, and to go through. I think I'm finally over it though.
Though I'm still quite ashamed, we are not the same person, and I do have choices to follow different paths over time. I don't have to buy into the shame that I allowed myself to feel for so long, and gave so much power to. In that sense, I sometimes feel that I wasted so much time feeling that, and not trying to move past it. Other times, I feel that I needed to process it for a long time alone, even if it felt punitive.
But I think I'm finally finished. For now, anyway. I have forgiven him. Doesn't mean he's allowed to be part of my life, but I do feel a sense of peace having done that, and I no longer carry so much anger with me that it's almost too much to deal with.
I'm hoping that I will never feel like giving up on life again. That is, I suppose by design, the worst feeling in the world.
-H
Monday, January 3, 2011
Day 25: The reason I'm still alive.
Day 25: The reason I'm still alive
Just being honest here, but let's face it. I'm not stupid. If I'm having a problem, I will find the root of it, and pull it out while it's still thriving, and green. Then I'll grind the fucker up, toss it out, and be done with it.
I've had to do this many times in my life. There are so many things I could have just let happen to me, but instead I kicked and screamed until I got my way, and ended up so much the better for it. True, I don't like drama, and I will do what I can to avoid it, but there are times when it is necessary. Like oils, you should use it sparingly so people take you seriously when you do find that it really is the only way to deal with something important, however.
Most of you who know me know that I struggle with certain health issues and depression. Most of you also know that I had a child naturally after my first was born via Cesarean, this time with almost no intervention. Less of you know the full extent of the issues I faced with my dad, who I am now estranged from. But anyway, we all have choices in how we live our lives. I chose the options that were right for me, and feel that I have a pretty good life as a result.
Life is all about taking the right opportunities and dodging a whole lot of fucking bullets. Mine is still very much a work in progress, but I know where I came from, and what I've had to fight so far. I am glad I did, because I'm still here, and I'm thriving!
-H
I've had to do this many times in my life. There are so many things I could have just let happen to me, but instead I kicked and screamed until I got my way, and ended up so much the better for it. True, I don't like drama, and I will do what I can to avoid it, but there are times when it is necessary. Like oils, you should use it sparingly so people take you seriously when you do find that it really is the only way to deal with something important, however.
Most of you who know me know that I struggle with certain health issues and depression. Most of you also know that I had a child naturally after my first was born via Cesarean, this time with almost no intervention. Less of you know the full extent of the issues I faced with my dad, who I am now estranged from. But anyway, we all have choices in how we live our lives. I chose the options that were right for me, and feel that I have a pretty good life as a result.
Life is all about taking the right opportunities and dodging a whole lot of fucking bullets. Mine is still very much a work in progress, but I know where I came from, and what I've had to fight so far. I am glad I did, because I'm still here, and I'm thriving!
-H
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Day 24: Playlist
Hm. I have no idea here. I like music. Most people know that. Don't make me pick 10 songs. Or... do. OK fine. I'll do it, but I'm not making up a list for any one individual person. I'm not really that sentimental. But anyway, here are some songs I like. I'll essplain why when I get to that point in this here bloggity post. Oh, and if you click on the linkage to have a listen, be sure to do it by right-clicking and opening the links in a new tab. Apparently blogger isn't sophisticated enough to do that for you. Apologies...
1. Judgment of the moon and stars by Joni Mitchell It's a love letter she wrote to Beethoven, dig? You must listen to the lyrics. Especially these ones: "You've got to shake your fist at lightning now, you've got to roar like forest fire. You've got to spread your light like blazes all across the sky. They're gonna aim the hoses on ya. Show 'em you won't expire; not 'til you burn up every passion, not even when you die." Pretty fucking powerful, 'eh?
2. Girl Anachronism by The Dresden Dolls. If you aren't easily offended, you must hear this band. You. Must. So much energy. So much talent. Such a crazy/amazing duo. Amanda is probably the most amazing piano player I have ever heard, (and believe me, that's SAYING SOMETHING.) and Brian... wow. Just... wow. That is some fast drumming, right there. That's what that is.
3. Rhythm and Soul by Spoon. This one is kind of reminiscent of something by The Zombies, etc. Makes me think of semi-cool winter days as a kid when I would go to Licorice Pizza with my dad and pick up a new record to spin. See? Not all memories of my dad are bad ones...
4. Art School Girl by Stone Temple Pilots Hey, I had to throw something in from my college days... just for this, I'll add one on the end, 'k?
5. OK fine, one more... 'cause it brings the memories... Walkabout by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
6. Beware of Darkness by George Harrison 'Cause... how could anyone hate that guy?
7. Empty Pages by Traffic Upon discovering their music, I developed a bizarre retro-impossicrush on Steve Winwood. Hey, he was hot back then! I have no idea what happened to him in the '80s, but that decade was hard on everyone, 'non?
8. Going to a town by Rufus Wainwright. Amen, brotha! Amen!
9. Miss Otis Regrets Written by Cole Porter, sung by the great Ella.
10. The Girl In The Other Room by Diana Krall because, yeah, who hasn't been that girl at one time or another?
11. Pump It Up by Elvis Costello OK, this may have been by slight association, but it is one of my favourites by him.
12. Combination of the two by Janis Joplin. By far, my favourite by her. I can't tell you why. Because I don't really know. It's high energy, happy, and rockin'. That's all I claim to know.
13 All day sucker by Stevie. I love singing along to this one. Not my favourite, but I easily have a day's worth of his stuff, and there is just... yeah. Nope. Can't pick just one. Sorry.
OK, last one... because I couldn't leave P-Funk off of this list. See what I mean? Do you reaaaaly want to get me started? Do you? Because yeah. This is what happens! I just keep going. Dammit, crazy blog meme from hell... look what you did! Fine. This won't be the last one. No. No, it won't.
14. Tear the roof off the sukka by Parliament Funkadelic. You know, it took me about 50 listens to that song before I finally picked up where that particular line is? Yeah, I can be dense at times...
15. This one, #15, is, in fact, a cover. But dammit. I like it better than the original. Whole lotta love originally by Led Zeppelin, covered by Tina Turner. It's fan-fucking tastic. No, really, it is.
16. Walk on the wild side Lou Reed. 'Cause you know, an occasional walk on the wild side can be pretty damn fun.
17. Chemtrails by Beck. No, I'm not a believer in the hype... I just like the song. It reminds me a bit of Alan Parsons, only it rocks just a little bit more. I love the drums in particular.
18. Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying! Belle and Sebastian Oh, it's emo. Terribly so... and oh, I identify...
19. One Thousand Tears Of A Tarantula Dengue Fever. Is it weird that I find this terribly sexy? Because I do.
20. Unwashed and Somewhat Slightly Dazed David Bowie. Would my list be complete without him? No, it may not be my favourite by him. I do, however, love how he laughingly sings "It's very catching." Honestly? I have a day's worth of his stuff, too. There is just no way I could narrow it. But this one is just so wonderfully weird, and I'm all about that.
21. Dancin' in an Easy Groove Lonnie Smith, before he was Dr. Lonnie Smith. It's an easy groove, and I dance to it often.
22. Lady Marmalade The original is the only way to groove here. Sorry, I hated the cover.
23. Border Song Elton John. When he was still good and not all corporate... and Disney.
24. Haitian Divorce Steely Dan. It's kinda goofy as a choice, but the drama that plays out in the song... and the clever ending hooked me. Shut up.
K. I think I got it out of my system for now. Sort of.
-H
1. Judgment of the moon and stars by Joni Mitchell It's a love letter she wrote to Beethoven, dig? You must listen to the lyrics. Especially these ones: "You've got to shake your fist at lightning now, you've got to roar like forest fire. You've got to spread your light like blazes all across the sky. They're gonna aim the hoses on ya. Show 'em you won't expire; not 'til you burn up every passion, not even when you die." Pretty fucking powerful, 'eh?
2. Girl Anachronism by The Dresden Dolls. If you aren't easily offended, you must hear this band. You. Must. So much energy. So much talent. Such a crazy/amazing duo. Amanda is probably the most amazing piano player I have ever heard, (and believe me, that's SAYING SOMETHING.) and Brian... wow. Just... wow. That is some fast drumming, right there. That's what that is.
3. Rhythm and Soul by Spoon. This one is kind of reminiscent of something by The Zombies, etc. Makes me think of semi-cool winter days as a kid when I would go to Licorice Pizza with my dad and pick up a new record to spin. See? Not all memories of my dad are bad ones...
4. Art School Girl by Stone Temple Pilots Hey, I had to throw something in from my college days... just for this, I'll add one on the end, 'k?
5. OK fine, one more... 'cause it brings the memories... Walkabout by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
6. Beware of Darkness by George Harrison 'Cause... how could anyone hate that guy?
7. Empty Pages by Traffic Upon discovering their music, I developed a bizarre retro-impossicrush on Steve Winwood. Hey, he was hot back then! I have no idea what happened to him in the '80s, but that decade was hard on everyone, 'non?
8. Going to a town by Rufus Wainwright. Amen, brotha! Amen!
9. Miss Otis Regrets Written by Cole Porter, sung by the great Ella.
10. The Girl In The Other Room by Diana Krall because, yeah, who hasn't been that girl at one time or another?
11. Pump It Up by Elvis Costello OK, this may have been by slight association, but it is one of my favourites by him.
12. Combination of the two by Janis Joplin. By far, my favourite by her. I can't tell you why. Because I don't really know. It's high energy, happy, and rockin'. That's all I claim to know.
13 All day sucker by Stevie. I love singing along to this one. Not my favourite, but I easily have a day's worth of his stuff, and there is just... yeah. Nope. Can't pick just one. Sorry.
OK, last one... because I couldn't leave P-Funk off of this list. See what I mean? Do you reaaaaly want to get me started? Do you? Because yeah. This is what happens! I just keep going. Dammit, crazy blog meme from hell... look what you did! Fine. This won't be the last one. No. No, it won't.
14. Tear the roof off the sukka by Parliament Funkadelic. You know, it took me about 50 listens to that song before I finally picked up where that particular line is? Yeah, I can be dense at times...
15. This one, #15, is, in fact, a cover. But dammit. I like it better than the original. Whole lotta love originally by Led Zeppelin, covered by Tina Turner. It's fan-fucking tastic. No, really, it is.
16. Walk on the wild side Lou Reed. 'Cause you know, an occasional walk on the wild side can be pretty damn fun.
17. Chemtrails by Beck. No, I'm not a believer in the hype... I just like the song. It reminds me a bit of Alan Parsons, only it rocks just a little bit more. I love the drums in particular.
18. Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying! Belle and Sebastian Oh, it's emo. Terribly so... and oh, I identify...
19. One Thousand Tears Of A Tarantula Dengue Fever. Is it weird that I find this terribly sexy? Because I do.
20. Unwashed and Somewhat Slightly Dazed David Bowie. Would my list be complete without him? No, it may not be my favourite by him. I do, however, love how he laughingly sings "It's very catching." Honestly? I have a day's worth of his stuff, too. There is just no way I could narrow it. But this one is just so wonderfully weird, and I'm all about that.
21. Dancin' in an Easy Groove Lonnie Smith, before he was Dr. Lonnie Smith. It's an easy groove, and I dance to it often.
22. Lady Marmalade The original is the only way to groove here. Sorry, I hated the cover.
23. Border Song Elton John. When he was still good and not all corporate... and Disney.
24. Haitian Divorce Steely Dan. It's kinda goofy as a choice, but the drama that plays out in the song... and the clever ending hooked me. Shut up.
K. I think I got it out of my system for now. Sort of.
-H
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