Thursday, February 12, 2015

One size does not fit all.

Last night, as I was flossing, I got stuck.  Horribly stuck.  Try as I might, I could not get the floss to come back out from between my molars.  I sawed back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, tugging in a gentle upward motion, until I broke the damn floss. 


It would go in, but it would not come back out!  I had no idea what to do, because it was bedtime, I was exhausted, had already removed my bra, and didn't want to go to the damn store, just for better floss that wouldn't do this.

I started freaking out at this point, because the third time, was NOT a charm.  The minute gap between my molars was filling up with floss that had meant well, but kept dying on the rocks, before what should have been a safe return.  Yeah... no such luck.

At this point, I noticed that not only was the gap full, it was also starting to push on all of my other teeth.  I had the worst vision of all of my periodontal bones shifting slightly to the right, and jumping ship, in the night, AND I WOULD DIE BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO CHOKE TO DEATH ON THEM!

Man overboard!!!  Or... man aspirated!  Either way, AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

I ran into the bedroom, crying at Mr. Hed, who goes:  "Dude, calm down.  We may have to go to the store, but we'll get it figured out.  Do you want one of my plastic flossers from the basement?"

I looked down at my fingers that looked like they had been sawed in half, all the way around, at this point, because the floss had made that much of a dent in them.  "Uh, yes, please?"

He runs downstairs, and I frantically look through the drawers of my vanity, because sometimes I stash odds and ends from dental visits in the bottom right drawer, for those times in-between boxes of floss.  I also keep floss in my purse, because you just never know when you are going to be out and about and have to deal with something annoying between your teeth.

And even with all of this, I forget that I have any of it, in the moment, because that moment is nothing but SHEER PANIC, DOOM, AND ALL OF MY TEETH ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT OF MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?

I may have a compulsion that I forget I have, when I need to have it.  I suppose I might look into that, someday.  Some part of that is worth examining, 'non?  Who can tell?

Anyway, I did manage to find a small box of glide floss in my drawer.  I felt a little bad about this, but before Mr. Hed could return from the basement, I had the situation completely resolved.  But well?  I felt the need to ask, anyway, because it never hurts to have backup in case of a dental hygiene emergency:  "Did you find one?"

"Yeah.  Here."

"Oh, OK.  Well, I don't need it now, but you know, just in case, we'll have one up here, in case some real shit goes down."

Because, you never know.  One minute, you could be flossing happily, and humming to yourself, and the next, you could be waking up the neighbourhood.