Sunday, January 1, 2012

Resolution: Be a better bean. Or a butterbean. We'll see how it goes.

...but either way? Someone will keep loving me.

I am not too big on making resolutions, although I will say that I would like to work on a few things in the coming year.

1. I will play safe lawn darts in the coming year. This is paramount, because dangerous lawn darts are dangerous. I guess this would encapsulate well? Lawn darts in their conventional sense.


2. I will be nicer to people.

Sometimes? I can be a bitch. I am working on it. My husband is sitting here, reading over my shoulder, trying to interject things... like: "I should be nicer to my husband, who is the nicest person in the world."

To me. He is. It's true. And he's hot, too. But that's just for me. Don't you be gettin' any ideas, you other bitches.

3. I will fuck my husband's brains out. At least 4 times a day.

This is making him happy. I never said I keep all of my resolutions. But Mr. can expect a visit from me sometime... at work... for copy room antics. At least once. While he still works there. Probably this year.

And... just to keep count, I will carry a card in my pocket, where I draw hash marks.

4. I will work out more. I work out a lot now, but I will work out more. Being fat is lame. But please note here that I will not make this my absolute top priority, because in the past, that has lead to eating disorders, and unhealthy expectations re: working out, followed by not so great results, like hurting myself, because I would forgo things like sleeping, just so I could work out. So yeah.

Lawn darts! Fuckin' safe lawn darts are where it's at.

5. I will be more open to starting new friendships. Because there are never too many. People are pretty cool. They are my species. I should be around even more of them.

If I fail on all five of these? I will suddenly poof and become a butterbean. Someone will still like me, I'm sure.


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