Thursday, February 14, 2013

On self care...

There are cobwebs on this here blog.  That's OK I guess.  I haven't felt inspired to do much of anything for quite some time.  I even hung up my primary business, and decided to do mindless work that required very little creativity, for a while.  I'm still doing that now, but may go back to the other thing soon.  I want to be ready, because there is nothing worse than trying to create magic when you can barely see what's in front of you in the moment.  That's no good, and frankly, it's not fair to my clients, who I believe deserve the absolute best I can possibly give.

In order to get there, I am learning, for the first time in my life; to take care of myself, rather than abuse myself, and try to squeeze molten gold out of the soles of my shoes.  This is tough.  Apparently, (and this is really hard to admit,) emotional abuse was something that was part of my normal, for most of my life.  So now, I need to figure out how to make that abnormal, and not allow it to be something I do to myself even after I find people who don't treat me badly. 

I will say that I have found the people.  I have lots of good friends who tell me to knock it off when I am hard on myself, and it's nice to feel validated, and not judged, or yelled at for things I have no control over.

Some say that they don't know what normal looks like, or what healthy looks like. This is true for me, even though I see it with other people.  Sure, I have seen family relationships that have been really healthy.  In the past, I have resented those people who have had good relationships with their families.  It made me bitter, and turn even further inward onto myself, saying things like: "It's not something you deserve, because you are you, and she is she."

Not true, I'm finding.

But for 36 years, I sure believed it, and probably still do, somewhere in the back of my head.  But today, I'm having a good day, so I'm choosing to believe, otherwise.

I still don't feel like I am in a place in which I can share (with the world,) what happened, but I do feel like I can share this with a few close friends, and that has been very helpful for me.  In the past, even as recently as yesterday, I have allowed these negative thoughts to percolate inside of me, without letting them out.  After some talk about this, I'm realizing that these thoughts?  They aren't something I can do that with, because they do this thing, where they cycle around.  It seems that with each new thought cycle, they pick up more internal vitriol, and just get worse, until I am in a very low, dark place.  It can be very hard to come out of that.

So, why am I choosing to share this now?

Because.  I am discovering that I am really not alone in this.  Many of us seem to have internal struggles that are ridiculously awful to endure, and work through.  I am also discovering that there are many of us who are sometimes triggered by something that can just knock us out of control.  It sucks, and it can be extremely difficult to regain that control.  And sometimes?  I feel like I am just flat-out, bat shit crazy.

Of course, now I think I know who I can call upon when it gets really bad.  I will refer to these people as my own personal Insane Clown Posse.  I am so glad I have them, and I am so glad that they usually throw me a rope to help me out of the mental chaos pit of despair.

Also?  Self care.  Sometimes, that means taking a day off to just be, or to talk with a good friend.  Sometimes, it means doing something slightly extravagant.  It can look like a lot of different things, and it's nice to brainstorm even that with friends, to figure out what might actually help me the most.  Self-validation is also a good thing.  Realizing that you have been through hell, and that you really should cut yourself some slack, can be pretty powerful. 

So, while this may not be something that is set up for me just yet, because it all takes time,  it's something that I'm working toward.  Hopefully, soon, I will be a much happier person, who can go back to doing what she loves.


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