Day 23... regret... reprise!

I really wish I had finished college. I want to go back eventually, but the money for it is not here right now, and my brain is in too many places to bother at the moment. It's really difficult for me to focus on things right now, and I know it's because I prioritized my time so that I can spend as much of it with my 4 year old as possible right now. That is really fun, but seriously, by the end of the day, my brain is nothing but mush.

When we go out, I'm constantly trying to keep her safe, since she loves to run around, spin, dance and do all of the cute little 4 year old things that are perfectly normal for her at this time in her life. I love her to pieces, but she does take most of my energy and time.

When we stay in, we are playing and focusing on things for her and her sister. It's fun, but I don't get much time to myself. In fact, this has taken me all of 5 minutes to write so far, and I can hear her in the kitchen, so I'd better wrap it up.

I should just remind myself of the fact that this is temporary, rather than beat myself up over it. It's pretty counter-intuitive to do so.

But then I see friends who are well-educated, or who are working on their education, and I feel inferiour, and somewhat jealous. Not really for me, but for what I feel like is expected of me as a 34 year old adult. Why am I not doing the things my peers are doing? Why can't I do it? What's wrong with me? Why can't I measure up? Why am I so stupid?

Yeah. Not the greatest way to live.

If only I'd just gotten it right the first time...

-H

Day 22: Regret

Oy! Bring on the cheesy corn.

See, I'm a mountain of neurosis, carved out with gullies... of... guilt, waterfalls of pathos and regret, steeped in a cloud of self-effacing... uh... humour?

But... seriously. Sure, there are things I regret. I've been mean. I've even been cruel. I have lied. I have borrowed things without asking. I've done drugs. I've had premarital sex. I've been stupid with money, and planning. I've been messy. I have hurt people, and knowing that last part does sting, because I really didn't have to hurt anyone.

I'm not sure I would be who I am today without having done everything I have done. I don't always like myself, especially when I think about people I have hurt in the past, but I'm working on that. It has gotten better. My times of self-hatred have been whittled down to about 4 hours or less, so I'd call it progress.

-H

Day 21: Quite possibly the dumbest question ever.

But I'll answer it anyway.

The topic today is something to the effect of: "Your best friend is in an accident, but you had been in a fight an hour before. What do you do?"

Hm. What the hell kind of question is that? Who the hell wouldn't do the right thing here and go see their friend? Now I'm starting to wonder where these questions really came from. Hmm...

-H

Day 20: Drugs/Alcohol

Day 20: Drugs/Alcohol

Be safe. Be responsible. Be moderate. Know your limits, and get help if you need it. I could go on about personal experience here, but I think I'll leave that one alone. I've never had a substance abuse problem, and I've tried a few substances. Yeah. It's all about knowing what is safe and what isn't.

The end.

-H

Day 19: Religion/Politics

Day 19: Religion/Politics

The first thing that comes to mind, is that this is a hot button issue, and should be handled carefully. I feel these things really should not be discussed in mixed company, unless you are looking for drama, or a possibly long, drawn out lecture from someone you later wish would just shut the hell up. I don't really know what's gained by trying to sway the opinion of another person. As Tolstoy once cited, this is something that has a long history of not going well. Everyone seems to wait for his or her turn to talk, no one really listens, and things usually heat up in a way that is never comfortable for anyone.

That's not to say that I don't discuss these things. I just prefer to know my audience, and if I know I'm opening a can of worms, I will try to steer things to a much lighter topic.

That said, there are some people I do know who don't necessarily share my views, but who happen to be respectful enough that we can get into a debate and no one gets hurt. It's all about knowing who you are talking to, etc. Personally, I believe this takes time, and it can be sort of an intimate thing for that reason.

As far as my own views, I'll start in the order things were received here. Religion is something I tend to view in a larger scope. I don't adhere to one, and I take what's pertinent or useful from many. I am often very interested in learning about new ones and why people believe the way they do, so I do ask questions when the opportunity is presented.

I do, on occasion, pray, even. Sometimes I send good energy out into the universe. Sometimes I meditate. I would never, ever call myself an atheist, but I have a hard time when things become exclusive and I'm told that I must follow a specific doctrine, and no others.

Politically speaking, I have a tendency to follow whatever happens to coincide with my personal logic and common sense. I don't like the idea of toeing a party line, unless it's an extreme case, and the problems arising from me not doing so are ridiculous. I realize I'm only one person, but sometimes it comes down to that.

I do tend to hang on the liberal side of the fence, but I can see good and bad things from both sides.

So, there you have it.

-H

Day 18: Gay Marriage

Day 18: Gay Marriage

So, here is my take on this subject: If two people fall in love, are happy, and want to make a life together, they should be able to get married. End of story.


-H

Day 17: Book

Day 17: Book

First, before I start, I should mention that I have been alerted, by Mr. Hed, to the fact that I should have been referring to a person yesterday. SomeONE I could live without. I was supposed to get all dramatic and throw said person under the bus. Uh... huh.

Yes.

Well, actually, the subject matter gave the option of referring to either someONE, or someTHING or someone I could live without. So, yeah. Takin' the high road. I know... it's hard to find, according to Broken Bells. (Contrary to what Mr. Hed originally thought about the band by name alone, this band is not made up of hot chicks. Sorry, dood.) Anyway, I'm resourceful, dammit!

Today, I'm supposed to be talking about a book that has changed my views on something. This has happened a few times, but I think the greatest influence for me was "The Thinking Woman's Guide To a Better Birth" by Henci Goer. There were a couple of reasons for this. First, going into my second pregnancy, I was still pretty mainstream, and had originally resigned myself to having a "repeat zipper surgery", as my doctor so eloquently put it.

I put up with it for about a month, and then found some support and direction. I was leant this book. It is pretty technical and cerebral... and frankly hard to get into, but her research really showed me that trying to have a natural VBAC, away from a hospital, was the safest option for me.

I read passages of it to Mr. Hed, and they were also enough to convince him that perhaps this time we should stay out of the hospital. I carried my daughter to day 1 of week 43, and had a very fast, and furious labour. I caught her myself, and left the experience feeling very empowered. The last time we did this, I had major surgery, and there were probably at least 10 people in the room. This time, there were only 3: The midwifery apprentice who was overseeing the birth center, Mr. Hed, and Moi. The rest of the birth team arrived a few minutes after she was born, and I was able to go home the next day. I had guests the day after that, and things quickly went back to normal.

It goes without saying that this was much better than my first birth, where I was laid up for weeks after she arrived.

Second, this book and subsequent experience opened up many doors for me. In the process, I went from being completely dependent on allopathic medicine, and probably on the fast track to an early grave via many unnecessary meds, to relying more on my own body wisdom, and self-healing.

I used to be considered dangerously high-risk for serious respiratory illnesses, as well as ridiculously dependent on respiratory meds. I feel like I can finally take myself off of that list after 20 years of battling some extremely debilitating asthma. I now use meds on an as-needed basis only, which has gone down about 90+ percent, thanks to further research, dietary changes, and amino acid therapies.

Seriously miraculous.

I wonder if I would have ever been motivated to take this path without such strong positive results as a starting point.

If I ever meet Henci, I will personally thank her for giving me such a powerful start on this journey. It's nice to have confidence in my body and its ability to do what's necessary to thrive and survive.

-H