Thursday, December 23, 2010

Day 23... regret... reprise!

I really wish I had finished college. I want to go back eventually, but the money for it is not here right now, and my brain is in too many places to bother at the moment. It's really difficult for me to focus on things right now, and I know it's because I prioritized my time so that I can spend as much of it with my 4 year old as possible right now. That is really fun, but seriously, by the end of the day, my brain is nothing but mush.

When we go out, I'm constantly trying to keep her safe, since she loves to run around, spin, dance and do all of the cute little 4 year old things that are perfectly normal for her at this time in her life. I love her to pieces, but she does take most of my energy and time.

When we stay in, we are playing and focusing on things for her and her sister. It's fun, but I don't get much time to myself. In fact, this has taken me all of 5 minutes to write so far, and I can hear her in the kitchen, so I'd better wrap it up.

I should just remind myself of the fact that this is temporary, rather than beat myself up over it. It's pretty counter-intuitive to do so.

But then I see friends who are well-educated, or who are working on their education, and I feel inferiour, and somewhat jealous. Not really for me, but for what I feel like is expected of me as a 34 year old adult. Why am I not doing the things my peers are doing? Why can't I do it? What's wrong with me? Why can't I measure up? Why am I so stupid?

Yeah. Not the greatest way to live.

If only I'd just gotten it right the first time...



  1. I have a four year degree, and I'm not happy with it. It's from The Art Institute for web design so that's mostly why! I have friends who went on to Yale->Stanford, Harvard, Boston University, Swarthmore... but then again, I just don't think I should have gone straight to college. If I still had the financial aid available, I'd be looking forward to going to school for something else in my late 30's, probably. Not that I don't enjoy web design, but I could have done an associate degree and been at the same place in my "career" but in less debt.

    This is a really depressing blog exercise, isn't it? I've been avoiding it for the most part.

  2. What do you think would be different about your life (or better) if you had finished?

    I never finished, and I got very close, twice. If you count culinary school as college, then it's a distinct possibility that I'll finish, and therefore actually finish college. I will say, however, that going to school at this age (I'm 32), is a much better experience. So much have I learned that I don't get bogged down by the drama (and oh, the drama of 18 & 19 year old culinary students!!!) and I know what my priorities are. I'm also more able to see what's crap and what's valuable in terms of learning and ask the "right" questions to get me where I want to be...

    I don't know if you've seen on my FB page that I've been doing this too (I started a few days after you), but I check yours every day and enjoy reading it. Thanks for sharing...

  3. The main thing that I think would be different is that I would have more of an advantage in the job market if something were to happen to Todd at this time. His life insurance would pay off both houses we own, but I worry about making enough money to support us. I have lots of office experience, but nothing is current, as I haven't worked in 9 years, unless you count managing my small photography business. But that is so easy and so manageable, that I don't even consider it work. It also doesn't bring in much money.

    I do think I would be way more suited to success in an academic setting now than I was at standard college age. I just didn't know what I was doing, and I really did let the social part of it get in the way of my being able to finish. I dropped out before I would have flunked out, basically. At the time I cleverly referred to it as "Flunking out, wisely." LOL


  4. I finished school. Lots of it. Have lots of debt to show for it. LOTS. Like a mortgage worth. Not that I don't love my career and that it doesn't afford me the opportunity to do something amazing, something Ilove and something that helps others... but shit. $150K in debt sucks.

    You are awesome. xoxo