I have been feeling a bit dry lately.
Dry and salty.
Dry and salty like a bag of broken crackers, and not really in a good way. Having kids and a somewhat complicated life can make for some strangeness that shows when I don't always want it to. I can sometimes come off completely awkward when my best intentions were meant for a completely different action. It seems that I am the embodiment of the synaptic misfire as of late. It's not for lack of social skills. I have them. I was raised to have them, and this has never really been much of a problem for me. But I also have about 85 million thoughts running through my head at once these days, and trying to combine those thoughts with what would normally be a cake walk? Well, it can bring the awkward.
Oy, can it!
Today I was having a discussion with a few friends about what it's like in this stage of life, being mothers and having kids and chaos, ad nauseum. The phrase "just stumbling in from the woods" came up. All I could think was: "Yes! That is me. I am totally covered in moss and brambles. Kinda dirty, a little scratched, not exactly the polished version of myself I once was. Hm. Who the hell was that girl? I sort of remember her... Sort of."
Sometimes this bothers me; especially when I see what life could have been like from the other side if I had applied myself more, or had tried harder; even with kids. It's not that I find the other side threatening. On the contrary! It's more that I would like to figure out how to fit into that other side now, somehow; to find importance in the community and utilize my mad artistic skillz in some way; other than just a side gig, which is sort of what I have going now, because that is all I have time for. I long for the time when I can devote my everything to my art. This is just not the time, unfortunately.
I have Thoreau envy regularly. Can I just... go to Walden and shoot the fuck out of it, as well as write about it? This would make me ever so happy; to just spend some time away, solo. No media, no other people; devoid of influences or opinions to cloud my vision. Nothing to distract me from taking it all in. I know I would come back with something truly amazing and worthwhile. This would feed my soul in so many ways... I don't even know where to begin... or how to articulate in a way that would truly express my need for this. I don't know if there are words. I may have to create new ones.
Did I mention I am an incurable extrovert? That said, this is speaking volumes here.
But then, I have to wonder if anyone is completely satisfied with their lives. The logical part of my brain tells me that we certainly would not be motivated in the least if we were. What would drive us to keep changing and growing as people if we were absolutely comfortable in every way, and everything was perfect? I think if everything was perfect, and I was completely comfortable, I would want to stay put.
Still, I know myself. I would get bored even in the most idyllic situation, and try to find something else to do. Perhaps I don't have enough life experience to say what I'm about to say, but honestly, I feel that things just aren't all that interesting without some conflict, contrast, or disconnect. This is the sort of thing that reminds you that you are alive, and that life is supposed to be a challenge. (I am not referring to the sort of activity that creates unnecessary drama. I am SO over that.) But life has a way of twisting, turning, and morphing on its own. This, to me, can be very interesting and I try to look at these times as opportunity for personal growth.
After all, obtained happiness isn't what life is about. The pursuit on the other hand? Why, yes!
We can certainly stay in one place for a while, but when it's time to move on, it's time to move on. And we do it. Because we have to.
One of the things I often repeat to myself is the old adage: "This too, shall pass." Trying to make the best of what I have to work with now is how I cope. It's not always easy, and I don't always succeed, but I try. And there are times when it simply exhausts me; really, and truly. But I keep going, and I keep trying to find things that interest me. I surround myself with people who inspire me. I avoid the ones who drain me. I can at least hope that I am, in turn, inspiring to some.
So, I may be bag of dry crackers being held by a hippie stumbling out of the woods, but I know that this is a temporary feeling, and I am remarkably adaptable. I will get through this dry time, and I will be fine, because I have the tools to lead me, and I know how to use them. And if I don't, I simply ask for help from someone who I trust, feel safe around, and does know.
This may actually be the key to something important. Like life.