Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Murder... he drove.

Recently, our schedule seemed to shift a bit. I used to be all about getting up early and having plenty of time to leave and get everyone to where they needed to be on time. I'm realizing that I should probably go back to that, since my kid is about 10 minutes late to class every morning as a result. But damn it, it's cold, and my bed is all kinds of soft, warm, and wonderful. It can be difficult to leave it. I love my foam mattress, soft sheets, cotton PJ's, wool socks, and 7 layers of blankets.

There is one in the mix I could probably do without though. Todd affectionately refers to it as "The Green Boy", and I'm sure he would cry if I got rid of it. This blanket has been through hell, and it shows. It is Ortega Chili green, and not in a good way. No. It's not the "Hi there! I'm the new chili-green, from the year 2002."

This is the: "Hi... (cough, cough.) I'm the old crappy 1978 chili-green blanket from hell that your husband had long before he met you. God only knows what I'm made of. I'm all balled up, and at one point in time, probably had a satin border sewn to me, but that's long been ripped off.

"There is evidence that I had been an electric blanket, but if you try to use me now, I won't work, and at the time I did work, you would have been lucky if I didn't burn you to death and set your house on fire.

"Right now, all that remains from that time, is an out-plug that I like to stab you with in the night. Now, take me back to the Goodwill store, from whence I came, so I can keep another college student warm. Even I think you are cheap. Do NOT tell me that you are being sentimental. We all know you are full of crap."

Yeah, OK... OK. Maybe the thing has a point. Or... maybe I imagined the whole thing. Who can tell, since I'm really just sitting here alone, looking at a pile of things that need to go to the Goodwill store?

Digressing here, but once again, even with that gross blanket in the mix, it is difficult for me to get out of bed at times. And besides... in the order of my blankets, I think it's somewhere around layer 3... of 7. But in real world... reality, I should probably keep in mind that there is a certain time that I like to avoid leaving the house, and that falls right around 8:15. Unfortunately, today, we left the house at 8:15.

This usually means we end up driving down Hawthorne BLVD next to Murder Truck(TM). Today was no exception. This truck may be gross and scary, but the driver is downright punctual.


I haven't seen anything like this in a while. It has the remains of a green curtain in the back, which has a tear in the top, and one on the side. The front bumper makes me not want to drive in front of it... because if you pass it, you will see that Murder Truck(TM) drove into a pole at one point in time. You can see into the back of Murder Truck(TM), and... well... yes. I think I may have seen a human ear, attached to some skin and hair hanging from an interior wall.

You can tell this is not your typical box truck. It has a tall, menacing, wide box on the back, that looks like it could fall off if the thing went around a corner too fast. Yes. This thing was quite obviously pieced together. It is all white, but may have been painted with Killz, rather than automotive paint... perhaps in a very half-assed attempt to cover graffiti, or maybe just to make it white. I can't tell. All I know is that I hate being next to the thing, and I try to use my powers telekinesis to make the cars in front of me move on out of my way when I happen to be there.

I have never successfully peered over to see the driver, but I would not be surprised if he or she wasn't dressed as a clown. I was, however, surprised this morning, when I chose to take a gander at the tags, and they were not expired.

I will say though, that I am very tempted to find Murder Truck(TM) in the night and spray paint "Free Candy" on one side, and "I make sausage" on the other.

The owner of Murder Truck(TM) is lucky that I am too busy to do things like this. Very lucky, indeed.



  1. Oh, so I was close with the "people live inside" freaky. I wonder what they REALLY do in there?

  2. I peered, in horror, into my rear view mirror the other day to see it behind me. It pulled into the Laurelhurst Market. (They are a meat market by day, and restaurant by night.) I would steer clear of the pork chops, personally.