Monday, February 7, 2011

Ooh bop do do do do do do do do fa fa fa fa fashion...

Oh lord. I don't even know what to think of what the hell is going on in retail these days. Kinda makes me want to put on a pair of yoga pants, and just sit back and laugh.

This morning, I discovered that people hadn't been making typos, and that jeggings are, in fact, a real thing. And they aren't just for kids, or wee women. No. They come in every damn size imaginable.

For those who are behind me by about 8 hours, and don't know what the hell I'm referring to, jeggings are... an example of what is and what should never be. They are a combination of legging and 5-pocket jean, made from ridiculously stretchy material. The kind that shows every little bump, bulge, and imperfection. *They are like linoleum tile. For your ass.

These are fitting for a person training to be a before photo... or just look like one.

That is, unless you are the type who can wear a skinny jean and get away with it. I am not in that category, and I don't know a whole lot of people who are. In fact I would say that really only about 7% of the population can pull this off. So hey, don't feel bad. Just know that... well? Just because it's made in your size doesn't mean you should wear it.

Seriously though. I pored over a catalog with models who are of a size the fashion industry considers boomby, but in reality are normal-sized. Unfortunately this style just made them look... boomby.

And I'm boomby. And I don't want to look as bad as these models who are about... well, a few sizes smaller than I am in reality... in these clothes.

I say no!

I say "good day!" to the jegging. Also, being boomby, I feel that I can freely use the term. Doesn't necessarily mean you get to though. So watch it!

I suppose it didn't help that these models were wearing these ridiculous tunics that had a rounded bottom edge and flared out at least 10 inches on either side of where the line of their thighs ended, in... white! But well... I guess if looking like a disheveled Oompa Loompa is your goal, get those charge cards ready!

I. Would. Not. Be. Caught. Dead. In. These. Hideous. Clothes.

Another trend I have noticed recently is the Fidel Castro hat.


If I were to go out right now, make my observations, come back and jot down a manual on keeping up with the rest of the herd, it would go something like this:

How to be cool: Get a Fidel Castro hat and wear it. You'll look hotter than bacon. Trust me.

Ladies... really? You want to look like the 84-year old retired Prime-Minister of Cuba? Really? Really? Yeah, I think I'll pass.

I could see this one on an artsy-fartsy guy who likes his cigars, or even a sweet little pipe, but Castro has never struck me as remotely feminine. Maybe that's the point. And if it is, Hm. Maybe I'll think for a minute. Maybe. But then. Crap! It's a trend! I can't think too hard. Damn you, designers! See what you are doing to my brain???

Maybe this is like the combat boot trend of 1995. Sadly, I did hold onto mine, because I still have hope, man! One day, civilian women will wear combat boots again... even if they are clunky, impractical, and make it hard to get anywhere fast. And mine will be super cool because they are 16 years old, and... vintage!

Aw, crap. That makes me vintage too, doesn't it?

Hm. I think I may stick to being weird... unless I suddenly snap, buy jeggings, scary tent-like tunic, Fidel hat, and knit myself a wine cozy.

Hold me.


*Because when laying linoleum tile, you need a smooth surface. Even the tiniest bump will show through.

1 comment:

  1. Maybe the hat is a way of saying, "I just had a roll in the hay with a communist dictator and then I stole his hat!" Kind of like the boyfriend jeans, boyfriend cardigan, boyfriend tee... why don't we all just wear our SO's clothes? *sigh*

    I have seen a few people who can rock that hat, though, particularly when it's been toned down to a rounder shape in a fabric other than army green canvas.