Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Oh, blessed assurance!

I love bees. Really, I do. I would love to keep bees, and am actually... really, and truly, looking into what goes into keeping a hive. I'm not even saying this to be a weirdo, or in the hopes that Fred Armisen will somehow magically have enough time to read this blog that gathers approximately 50 or so readers a day... and then somehow magically decide that I was weird hipster enough to at least be written into an episode of "Portlandia".

Nah, I just think it would be cool, and once it's all set up, cheap. Because... damn. I usually pay anywhere from $30 - $45 a gallon for the golden goo. Call me a freak all you want. I'll still give you honey if you are... mostly nice to me.

We have the yard for it, and I think as long as things were kept well under control, and the yard happened to be better secured than it is now, it's a possibility. Who doesn't love honey? And who wouldn't love honey made from the very pollen that grows right next to where you sleep?

Ooh ooh! Me, Mr. Kotter! Me! Me! Me!!!

That said, there was a mystery that I'd long pondered: The honey boxes at WinCo Foods. The ones with the spout, near the bulk section.

I finally decided to ask an attendant the other day whether or not there are actual bees in the honey boxes. There is bright red sign on the cover that reads: "Do not open lid. Bees will escape!"

She laughed, and told me that... alas, no. There are no bees. It's kind of a joke between the store owners and employees. The best part is that it plays upon the fears of most sane people who are deathly afeard of bees.

That did make me feel much better. I was worried, thinking that these poor bees were basically imprisoned, and were probably making honey under duress and possibly even shame. And what would they eat? Did they feed them some weird factory-made pollen through some invisible tube?

Those poor bees!!!


I had wondered if they were aware something was amiss in their surroundings, and if they did, were they pissed off? Were they making spite honey?

For years, I refused to buy honey there because of this. Who wants to eat spite honey? Not this girl.

So, there you go. There really are not any bees in the honey boxes at WinCo foods. I probably still won't buy it there, but at least I feel better about this... detail.


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