Thursday, January 6, 2011


If I had to think of one thing I'd like to change about myself, it would probably be my self-image. I know everyone has something about themselves they don't like, but mine has been a source of annoyance and resentment for basically my entire life.

I have tried so many times to do something about the shape my body decided to take, and once I even really did succeed, but it came at a real cost. During that time, I was sick... pretty much constantly. I don't think there was a two week period where I wasn't battling some illness. I gained some weight back, and guess what? It stopped. I barely ever get sick now.

Most people automatically place me in the category of lazy puke, and I usually have to prove myself over and over and over again. People are usually quite surprised when they see that I can keep up with my thin friends, and am actually pretty physically active and healthy. Hard to tell by looking at me, but I guess I'm stuck with what I've got, here. Really, it doesn't matter what I do, unless I'm actively pursuing an eating disorder, or working out 4 hours a day. (I really did that when I was smaller. I worked as a waitress, and had a 4 hour period between shifts. I would go straight to the gym, which was 5 minutes from where I worked, work out 3 1/2 hours, shower, and get back to work. It was the only way I was able to keep the weight off, and even that didn't work all the time.)

Still, try telling that to an insurance company, or a... modeling agency. Or Carlos Mencia. Did I mention I HATE that guy? No. I did not eat my way to hate, you asshole. Better hope we never cross paths, because I might have to kick your teeth in, or at the very least, pound on you a little bit, because you ran your mouth to hate, piss ant.

I will say, though, that for a brief period of time in high school, I actually did model. On a runway, and everything. But I didn't seek that one out. It just sort of fell into my lap, and like I said... it was brief, and set up by a friend. But still. I did that, and actually had a good time.

There are times when I'm fine with the way I look, and then other times when I just want to restrict myself to 600 calories a day, and get on the stairmaster for 3 hours. Yeah, not healthy.

If I could strike a balance here, it would be helpful. It's just hard when the world sees people a certain way, and those categories only change with great persuasion, and on a case-by-case basis.


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