Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Day 26. Give up?

There have been a few times in my life when I just wanted to cash it all in. I actually did come close to attempting suicide at 16, again at 20, 21, and again around 31. For many reasons I did not have the easiest childhood, and as I have said before, having to spend an unreasonable amount of time with someone who was ridiculously mentally ill took its toll on me. I was his captive audience most of the time. He viewed the world in a very defeatist way, and I learned from his actions and attitudes toward life.

And... at first? Not in a good way at all.

It has taken me years, and I mean years of reconditioning my personality and crafting the person I would have liked to have seen myself as back then for me to even consider liking myself. I had a ton of guilt by association; thinking that I was poisoned fruit from the same tree. That was a very tough thing to think about myself, and to go through. I think I'm finally over it though.

Though I'm still quite ashamed, we are not the same person, and I do have choices to follow different paths over time. I don't have to buy into the shame that I allowed myself to feel for so long, and gave so much power to. In that sense, I sometimes feel that I wasted so much time feeling that, and not trying to move past it. Other times, I feel that I needed to process it for a long time alone, even if it felt punitive.

But I think I'm finally finished. For now, anyway. I have forgiven him. Doesn't mean he's allowed to be part of my life, but I do feel a sense of peace having done that, and I no longer carry so much anger with me that it's almost too much to deal with.

I'm hoping that I will never feel like giving up on life again. That is, I suppose by design, the worst feeling in the world.


No comments:

Post a Comment