Day 1: Something I hate about myself.

I love that this is how the month starts out. Ha! Hm. Well?

Being that this is the 30 days of truth, I guess I'd better be honest. The thing I hate the most about myself has to be my neurosis. It's ridiculous, and I'm not exaggerating at all when I say that I really have no clue about anything.

I don't. At all.

I... well, more than often... I... usually question whether or not people are being sincere. I don't trust people. Sometimes I worry that I'll say the wrong thing and my own mother will stop liking me.

My confidence is just not there. Shhh! Don't tell anyone!

Sometimes I'll watch others in amazement as they have an animated, happy conversation, and I think to myself: "Wow. Those people are producing words. Smart words. Smart, funny, witty words on the spot. Right now. To each other. Like it's nothing. How do they DO that???

"And look! They are smiling! They are making each other smile! Whoa!"

Sometimes I wonder what friendship stems from. I worry so much about my own imperfections that I feel unacceptable, and therefore, I should not try to make friends with people, because they will learn the truth: I'm not perfect. They find that I have some flaw that makes me useless, or drama ensues because I fail them in some way. It could be that I'm looking for friendship in all the wrong places. I don't know. All I know is that I usually shut down socially for years after a relationship of any kind ends. I don't get excited about people. I don't let very many people in. I keep to myself, because it's safer. Easier.

Yeah. Not exactly productive. But I don't like drama. So keeping to myself... yeah, that does help me avoid it pretty well. Of course, it helps me avoid everything else, too. Hm...

So... anyway. They asked.

-H